The Fifty Cent Tour

Sunday, August 18, 2013

missing glory


photo by Elena Kalis via Magpie Tales

she was light and magic, springtime laughter woven through her hair
i found her world cluttered and noisy, a place where logic frowns
ambushed, my heart leapt when i heard a bird call, her breath of life

she was a singer of hymns, a joyful, patient sentinel
i was a snare drum, ready to snap at the skip of a beat
i now find myself leeching to the choir, waiting on her voice

she was my cloudship, an ocean, a free spirited ticket to ride
i gnawed away at my tether, she became my new life line
i hold, needing like a child, the loose end of her crimson thread

Rene ~ 2013

18 comments:

  1. beautifully written and yes, i think she is all that (gorgeous pic prompt)

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  2. There are some good and interesting verb choices like "leeching to the choir" and "gnawed away at my tether". Can't help but think that it can be shortened down though, the first line can be written as "She was springtime laughter woven in air" and the second line: "I found her place, where logic frowns". But maybe that's just me. I hope I'm not coming off as rude. I still like the poem though, especially the last phrase.

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    1. Thanks, Andrew, and no worries. I appreciate any editorial help. The form is Korean Sijo and much like Haiku, syllable count matters. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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  3. Beautiful...your muse, perhaps...

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    1. Thank Tess. I had been watching a Korean Drama when I was inspired to write this. Winter Sonata, it is beautiful.

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  4. Awesome write Rene. I love every word.

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  5. well done Rene.....thanks for sharing

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  6. Lovely ... You have inspired me to try this form.

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  7. Oh this is absolutely amazing, so gorgeous

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  8. This one I love. The drum's mention is so fitting. I can feel it - like a tribal footstep almost.

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  9. I agree with Michael - the drum reference packs a punch!........I didn't think your piece needed editing at all, btw..!

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  10. Following Andrew . . what about "She had/There was springtime laughter woven through her hair." A phrase so beautifully knitted into your poem doesn't perhaps need the "light and magic." ?

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  11. Yeah,I guess. Something to revisit in the future. The thing about Sijo is that if you pull one thread the whole thing starts to unravel. Thank you for your advice, though. I do appreciate it. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.

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  12. It's a lovely poem, Rene, thank you!

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  13. I love the way all of the words flow. I find each line beautiful and haunting as well.

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