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| photo by Elena Kalis via Magpie Tales |
she was light and magic, springtime laughter woven through her hair
i found her world cluttered and noisy, a place where logic frowns
ambushed, my heart leapt when i heard a bird call, her breath of life
i found her world cluttered and noisy, a place where logic frowns
ambushed, my heart leapt when i heard a bird call, her breath of life
she was a singer of hymns, a joyful, patient sentinel
i was a snare drum, ready to snap at the skip of a beat
i now find myself leeching to the choir, waiting on her voice
i was a snare drum, ready to snap at the skip of a beat
i now find myself leeching to the choir, waiting on her voice
she was my cloudship, an ocean, a free spirited ticket to ride
i gnawed away at my tether, she became my new life line
i hold, needing like a child, the loose end of her crimson thread
i gnawed away at my tether, she became my new life line
i hold, needing like a child, the loose end of her crimson thread
Rene ~ 2013
beautifully written and yes, i think she is all that (gorgeous pic prompt)
ReplyDeleteThere are some good and interesting verb choices like "leeching to the choir" and "gnawed away at my tether". Can't help but think that it can be shortened down though, the first line can be written as "She was springtime laughter woven in air" and the second line: "I found her place, where logic frowns". But maybe that's just me. I hope I'm not coming off as rude. I still like the poem though, especially the last phrase.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Andrew, and no worries. I appreciate any editorial help. The form is Korean Sijo and much like Haiku, syllable count matters. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
DeleteBeautiful...your muse, perhaps...
ReplyDeleteThank Tess. I had been watching a Korean Drama when I was inspired to write this. Winter Sonata, it is beautiful.
DeleteAwesome write Rene. I love every word.
ReplyDeletewell done Rene.....thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteLovely ... You have inspired me to try this form.
ReplyDeleteOh this is absolutely amazing, so gorgeous
ReplyDeleteThis one I love. The drum's mention is so fitting. I can feel it - like a tribal footstep almost.
ReplyDeleteThank you Micael! Love you :)
DeleteI agree with Michael - the drum reference packs a punch!........I didn't think your piece needed editing at all, btw..!
ReplyDeleteThanks Helena. Glad you enjoyed it!
DeleteFollowing Andrew . . what about "She had/There was springtime laughter woven through her hair." A phrase so beautifully knitted into your poem doesn't perhaps need the "light and magic." ?
ReplyDeleteYeah,I guess. Something to revisit in the future. The thing about Sijo is that if you pull one thread the whole thing starts to unravel. Thank you for your advice, though. I do appreciate it. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.
ReplyDeleteA TRAGIC TAKE, INDEED.
ReplyDeleteIt's a lovely poem, Rene, thank you!
ReplyDeleteI love the way all of the words flow. I find each line beautiful and haunting as well.
ReplyDelete