The Fifty Cent Tour

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

i scream



he sat in his truck
and watched her
watched her
right there
at the picnic table
kept an eye on her
as she peeled
 back 
the white paper liner
surrounding her ice cream sandwich

breathing out slowly
 he half looked away
as she tugged
wrapper away
from pleasure

daintily
like sunburnt skin
pinkies up
dear god, he begged
let there be,
for her sake

 a ream of paper
around that confection
an endless ream of paper
to save us all
from what comes next

32 comments:

  1. I can't decide if this is erotic, or down right creepy... Like that old Bruce Springsteen song. But it's brilliant in any case.

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  2. Chilling...but written very well!

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  3. Creepy Rene but a great blog.

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  4. At first, I thought I really liked it! Then, I started to get worried "for her sake..."

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  5. Yeah, it's creepy.
    The guy in the truck is getting turned on.
    He can't look away from the scene yet he understands how he's looking at the girl is wrong.
    What comes next? What will she do next with the ice cream? He'd rather just keep that under wraps. Buried under layers and layers.

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  6. dang, i am the only sick mind in this bunch wishing the poem kept going...

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  7. I love the ending; I read it not as a creepy guy but as a father watching his fastidious daughter starting in on a treat which may melt all over her!! Rene, do you mind when readers give their interpretation of your work?

    I loved this; I thought the ending was quite humorous.

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  8. Oh, yeah, NOW I read your own comment on it :)

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  9. and this is why i'm a fan of your writing, even when it makes me uncomfortable, it's still so good!

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  10. thanks everyone for your comments...and I do not mind you sharing your interpretations of my work, I actually encourage it. I love that this piece can be either be seen as something sweet or something sinister

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  11. Well, it creeped me totally. I've watched a lot of men lustfully in days gone by, but never like that. Great job of getting behind a seriously disturbed point of view.

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  12. Rene, that's a supremely generous reply and I thank you :)

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  13. ok - this was def. highly erotic...oh my goodness..

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  14. There's such a restrained kind of longing in you, Rene. Another enjoyable post.

    Pearl

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  15. Um...

    Well...

    So, it is a little creepy, but it's almost like the watcher is another ice cream sandwich in the truck, terrified about what is coming next.

    Just a thought.

    Cheers,

    Casey

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  16. This was written very well, but I'm with the majority...something not quite right with the trucker.

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  17. This made me laugh. I can see this happening and the form and timing of the poem is slow and methodical as she unwraps that treat. Great job~http://judyidliketosay.blogspot.com/2010/12/there-came-day.html

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  18. At first, I took it as sweet. Do we come to poems with biases?

    Then I read the last few lines and thought I had read it incorrectly.

    Then I read your comment and knew I misinterpreted it.

    Interesting.

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  19. i started reading it, turned away. I'm the father of three girls and can't watch a full episode of Law and Order SVU if it;s about a little girl getting hurt or whatever.

    then I came back to it. I really like the ending. I found it sweet rather than creepy. good job messing with my head.

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  20. My initial reaction was also a bit of gut-wrenching, and I give you credit for its creation. You know how to get a reaction. And then you masterfully offer a gentle bit of soothing at the end.

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  21. Lord above. I just lost my appetite. Creepy.

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  22. ooooh! I have ice cream in the fridge, I#ll be right back.

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  23. First time stopping by your blog...and what a poem I got! :)
    I started off enjoying it then literally felt my stomach clench when I realized that he may be watching her with less than innocent eyes.
    Wonderful!!
    Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and commenting. It encouraged me! :)

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  24. Fantastic wordsmithing.
    Creepy, very most assuredly creepy.
    Well done

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  25. superb work...


    wishing you the best.
    share one piece with us today, make more friends...

    bless you.
    xx

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  26. Okay, I am likely the most naive person on the planet. The only thing I could think of coming next was her taking a bite.......then read the comments and got educated and creeped out. Okay, this is a highly effective poem! Whew! I will never look at an ice cream sandwich the same way again!

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  27. Thank you all for reading and interpreting and for freely sharing your thoughts. And for first time visitors and readers? Welcome! I am sorry you walked in at this point! It's not always this creepy around here.

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  28. And I've just eaten a choc-ice! LOL

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  29. I have to concur with rabbitt on this one. ;)

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