The Fifty Cent Tour

Monday, December 28, 2009

Missing Connections, Taking Flight

Previously on "Not The Rockefellers"…


I am still dealing with his loss. I haven't cried big buckets of tears but rather little Dixie cups here and there. It's amazing what triggers them.
A scent, a familiar phrase, a laugh, the word "huh" being said to ensure that what is being said is being understood, the feel of soft sweater and looking at my daughter's eyes. 
She has her grandfather's "happy sad" eyes.
I don't grieve during these moments, I just lose myself in them. 
It can be awkward at times, especially when I am in the Men's section of Macy's and the feel of a sweater on display gets me welling up.
"Ma'am are you alright?"
"Oh, yes, I'm just having a moment."
I suppose I will probably have these moments for the rest of my life.
And I will roll with them whenever and wherever they show up.
It'll just be my Dad saying Hi."


I knew I needed to find myself.
I was in there somewhere on the shelf behind wife, mommy, daughter, volunteer and all around good do-bee.
But who was I?
Where was I stashed? 
And more importantly why was I stashed like a certain herb of my younger years?
So I found my stash.
All the way back there on the shelf almost lost, actually
behind all those bitten off pieces of more than I can chew
I rolled her up, lit her and took a long, slow drag.
You better believe I inhaled.
I let her sweet smoke curlicue from my lips and up deep into my nostrils.
Intoxicating.
Addiction without guilt.
Breathless.
Release.
Everything that was damned up in my mind 
All of this, all of that…oooh and sooo much of that… 
Found it’s way out
First a trickle
Then a stream
It was such a joy to find a way to communicate my thoughts in an effortless manner.
And for the first time in my life I didn't care if someone didn't like it, if someone wasn't interested in what I had to say or if I should censor my thoughts.
This is who I am. These are my experiences.
I own every damn beautiful, painful, wonderful, awkward, cringe worthy moment."

And Now...


Helplessly Hopeful
The year that was Rene.
I can’t believe I am sitting here wordless.
Because I am far from that.
I’m overwhelmed, actually…
2009
The year not getting what I wished for…
But instead
Getting something much better


Postively False
I started the year 100% positive we were having another kid.
The stick said so.
Total shock.
I sat there, in the bathroom, staring at the "Pregnant" on the stick for fifteen minutes, not believing my eyes and crying/laughing about being in AARP by the time this kid will be in Kindergarten...
As it turned out, two weeks later, we were no longer.
I don't know if it was instinct, or something like that, but I had a feeling something wasn't quite right from the beginning, so it wasn't a surprise.
But this was.... I seriously started to entertain the notion.
Maybe we should try to sneak another one in before the gate closes?
Dare we?
Let's go for it!
But then, as the year progressed, certain events unfolded that made me glad we hadn't been successful....
Bittersweet
Still this damned maternal urge would wake me up at 2AM.
And there I’d be...
Wide awake
Restless
Frustrated
Spinning my wheels
Consumed, driven by this overwhelming urge to conceive... something


2 AM Poetry
Tired of tossing and turning and losing sleep chasing phantoms
I gave into those slow, steady night rhythms pounding in my head and in my heart
And on a morning in May, moonlight coaxed me out of bed
I padded down to computer
and wrote
about first times and first loves 
about last times and lasting love
and stuff that was running around crazy in my head, screaming to be let out.


In The Light Of Day
Later that morning I was on the fence about sharing it all because it was really awkward and cringe worthy and full of bad lines
But this blog is all about me writing fearlessly... sooooo
Not wanting to be a hypocrite, I dove in.
I did think about deleting it several times, throughout the day..
I’m glad I didn’t...


Last Firsts
I held off from looking at the comments for a while because I was nervous, ashamed
and a little afraid of being judged in my newfound Eden.
(Just like I was, over twenty five years prior with that first conversation after my first time, and how hard it was to look into my friends eyes without smiling my face off...)
I was so appreciative that every commentor was so kind and supportive with their words
Because:
I wanted to write more...
I wanted to write better, clearer...
I wanted to learn how
Most of  all...
that lust to create had finally been satisfied.


Then Came You
2009 was a year for me to step outside of my comfort zone and do more commenting and conversing with many bloggers that I admired. This really scared the crap out of me. I was perfectly happy just writing poetry for myself, happy in my own little bubble, not causing any trouble. Then a friend suggested that I start following and commenting regularly on more blogs to help me along with my writing. I put off doing this for a long time until I couldn't stand the nagging anymore. I remember being so intimidated to post a comment on some blogs for the first time…really!  I felt I was waaay out of my league. How dare I mingle with "the serious writers" And then when they responded back to me... Me?...You could have knocked my ass over with a feather!
You are all kind, real and an inspiration to me always.
I am blessed to have met a few of you “in real life” and I must admit it was a little awkward at first because here I am trying to act all cool, but on the inside I’m like a fifteen year old at a Jonas Brothers concert, “OMG, Wow! How awesome is this!”
Someday I am going to have my act together enough to converse like a grown-up :)
I truly apologize for being a freak show wrapped in a train wreck. 
Hopefully 2010 will afford me the opportunity to meet more of you, you truly inspire me, I hope I don't frighten you :)



“Keep Writing, Rene”
Those three words make my day.
You really don't know how much you keep me going, and I can't ever thank you enough for the kindness, the encouragement, the laughter, the editing of my bad punctuation and for slipping notes under my door that put a smile on my face for the whole day :)...you are, in a word, wonderful.
I am even grateful for that bloke who labeled my work "total shit"
Because instead of curling up in the fetal position, giving up and crying my eyes out as I polished off a bag of Ruffles ( as I would have a year ago) it really made me laugh to the point of silliness. That was a big change for me. A very positive and very significant change.
I still have his review taped to the front of my journal and it serves as a daily reality check.
"Not The Rockefellers, The View From The Cheap Seats - Total Shit"
And on some days, that's the God's honest truth...:)



Raising A Glass
Goodbye 2009
Where will 2010 take me?
Honestly, I’m still looking for answers
I'm still not so sure of the question
I am still a freak show wrapped in a train wreck.
I’m still waking up at 2AM
I'm still keeping an eye on the moon
I’m still wishing on stars
I'm still grateful for friends who keep me on course
and smiling :)
Now knowing
That I won’t always get what I want
But finding
If I try sometimes
I just may find
I'll  get what I need…


Ah, yeah.....

May 2010 find you chasing your dreams :)


Peace ~ Rene


All apologies for the long post...but hey, you’ve got a whole week to read it! I've broken it down to bite sized portions!  Even People Magazine is thick this time of year. So relax....it's all good.

20 comments:

  1. Happy New Year! Rene.

    Thank you for letting me get glimpses into your world. I truly appreciate your sharing your talent of writing in the way that you do.

    May 2010 be good to you and bring with it all that you dream it will.

    Have a good one
    Smiles~Felinae~

    ReplyDelete
  2. excellent don't ever under estimate the quality of your writing, yes it was a long post, and it kept me. I was thinking, rest of it later, but it kept me reading, what will this next paragraph say...

    and yes it is the comment or comments that make it worthwhile, why would your comments mean any less?

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  3. You really ought to be proud of yourself and your writing... embrace the stuff around you that inspires you... even those who have passed on before you. They will continue to inspire. And you will have "moments" in the years to come, for sure. Be thankful for them. Be grateful for that love. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and words. Cheers to you in 2010!

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  4. a freak show wrapped in a train wreck...yet one that we keep coming back to watch, and happily so. thanks for sharing your story...and i do hope you keep writing. happy new year!

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  5. And a beautiful, beautiful wreck you are...I dig it.

    You should keep writing, Rene. It's what you do...

    Best wishes and many blessings in the coming year to you and yours!

    Peace,
    IG

    ReplyDelete
  6. Happy New Year Rene,

    You are one of the writers I return to when I'm feeling I've forgotten the reason(s) for writing my blog.

    Did you know that? It's true. In fact, that's why I'm here today.


    Thanks for being a continuing inspiration in honest and fearless writing.

    Ian

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  7. Rene,

    I love how you bare your soul. Your writing may not be for everyone but it IS for me (selfish, aren't I?). Please don't stop writing. You have such a gift with words.

    xoxo,
    Beth

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  8. Rene, what you've written is beautiful. I read it in one sitting; wasn't so long at all... couldn't stop reading if I wanted to. So genuine, so Rene! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving of yourself. (I hope I will have the courage to do the same in 2010.) I'm so sorry for your losses, yet grateful for what you've made of them. And, you are definitely on my list of want-to-meet-in-person bloggers.

    One more thing: Keep writing, Rene!

    Peace and love for 2010.

    ReplyDelete
  9. keep writing rene

    that was an easy one
    what a fantastic post
    yes
    i read it all in one sitting
    and mind you, thats a feat for me.
    i dont usually stay in one place for that long

    so.....
    do you have the roach from that special inhalation device?
    mind if i....

    ReplyDelete
  10. Rene, I must say that you are one of the most unique bloggers.

    Your writing is haunting and beautiful. You have a lyrical quality to your work.

    Keep writing, please.

    Also, I need your last name in high school, I asked a couple of my cousins about you, but I did not know your last name. They said Rene sounded familiar.

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  11. Happy New Year, Rene!
    hope you are home, safe,
    back in the 'Shire!

    2009 was more meaningful
    more human, more
    hilarious ...because of you!

    you are a gift that's
    appropriate for every holiday...
    yet a total surprise, as well!

    yes... keep writing, Rene!
    you've got the goods, and
    they come from someplace magical.

    peace&love, my friend~
    Chuck

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  12. It takes real courage to open up and share yourself, and I'm still in awe of you, dear Rene. Hugs to you. And thanks, once again, for the chance to laugh and cry reading one blog post.

    Brava.

    ReplyDelete
  13. You are completely my kind of train wreck. Love to visit here. And I share your sentiments about the bloggy community. Who knew it would be this great?

    Right down the road from you... we should try to meet up (if either of us are brave enough...)

    :-)

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  14. It's been a joy, reading you over the past year -- and watching your work grow stronger, more on the money, more sure of itself.

    And really looking forward to 2010....

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  15. Rene,

    No way! I don't get here nearly enough, but I love your blog and am so surprised you doubted for a MINUTE we would read! Write on :)!

    xxMT

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  16. Rene...loved this retrospective and seeing some different angles on your creativity.

    Keep writing Rene? AMEN to that.

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  17. Rene, I cannot tell you how much I have enjoyed reading your words. You have a true talent. I'm not going to say that you should keep writing. I will ask, however, that you never stop writing. It would be our loss.

    This is a copy of the same message I am posting in other places. I wanted to visit and thank everyone who has visited or followed any of my blogs. I have so enjoyed this new experience and look forward to getting to know each of you better. May this be a year of joy and prosperity for everyone.

    Happy New Year!!!

    Keep a hug on,

    ~ Yaya
    Yaya's Changing World

    ~ Just Joany
    Red Wagon Flights

    Word Designer

    ReplyDelete
  18. Happy New Yesr Rene! I don't have time to read all this now but did want to make sure i thanked you for all your sweet comments, your fantastic poetry here and so on. You have enriched my life and I'm glad to know you some here. Happy New Year now adn throughout the coming months. Thank you!

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  19. This was amazing Rene...
    And you CAN write.

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  20. Well, Rene, I did in fact read this all the way through although for many blogs I skip past long posts but somethig about your writing and yourself compells me to learn more and not scan.

    I love your writing in fact so am glad you tok the jump tot comment on others's sites and such, otherwise i would have never met you, as it were, and, my, how much i do enjoy your company here. I feell like I sort of know you some so do me a favour, if you are even in Colorado, do drop me a line and we'll have a nice cuppa somewhere.

    :)

    ReplyDelete

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