Missing Connections, Taking Flight

Previously on "Not The Rockefellers"…

I am still dealing with his loss. I haven't cried big buckets of tears but rather little Dixie cups here and there. It's amazing what triggers them.

A scent, a familiar phrase, a laugh, the word "huh" being said to ensure that what is being said is being understood, the feel of soft sweater and looking at my daughter's eyes. 

She has her grandfather's "happy sad" eyes.

I don't grieve during these moments, I just lose myself in them. 

It can be awkward at times, especially when I am in the Men's section of Macy's and the feel of a sweater on display gets me welling up.

"Ma'am are you alright?"

"Oh, yes, I'm just having a moment."

I suppose I will probably have these moments for the rest of my life.

And I will roll with them whenever and wherever they show up.

It'll just be my Dad saying Hi."

I knew I needed to find myself.

I was in there somewhere on the shelf behind wife, mommy, daughter, volunteer and all around good do-bee.

But who was I?

Where was I stashed? 

And more importantly why was I stashed like a certain herb of my younger years?

So I found my stash.

All the way back there on the shelf almost lost, actually

behind all those bitten off pieces of more than I can chew

I rolled her up, lit her and took a long, slow drag.

You better believe I inhaled.

I let her sweet smoke curlicue from my lips and up deep into my nostrils.

Intoxicating.

Addiction without guilt.

Breathless.

Release.

Everything that was damned up in my mind 

All of this, all of that…oooh and sooo much of that… 

Found it’s way out

First a trickle

Then a stream

It was such a joy to find a way to communicate my thoughts in an effortless manner.

And for the first time in my life I didn't care if someone didn't like it, if someone wasn't interested in what I had to say or if I should censor my thoughts.

This is who I am. These are my experiences.

I own every damn beautiful, painful, wonderful, awkward, cringe worthy moment."

And Now...

Helplessly Hopeful

The year that was Rene.

I can’t believe I am sitting here wordless.

Because I am far from that.

I’m overwhelmed, actually…

2009

The year not getting what I wished for…

But instead

Getting something much better


Postively False

I started the year 100% positive we were having another kid.

The stick said so.

Total shock.
I sat there, in the bathroom, staring at the "Pregnant" on the stick for fifteen minutes, not believing my eyes and crying/laughing about being in AARP by the time this kid will be in Kindergarten...

As it turned out, two weeks later, we were no longer.
I don't know if it was instinct, or something like that, but I had a feeling something wasn't quite right from the beginning, so it wasn't a surprise.
But this was.... I seriously started to entertain the notion.

Maybe we should try to sneak another one in before the gate closes?
Dare we?
Let's go for it!
But then, as the year progressed, certain events unfolded that made me glad we hadn't been successful....
Bittersweet

Still this damned maternal urge would wake me up at 2AM.

And there I’d be...

Wide awake

Restless

Frustrated

Spinning my wheels

Consumed, driven by this overwhelming urge to conceive... something

2 AM Poetry

Tired of tossing and turning and losing sleep chasing phantoms
I gave into those slow, steady night rhythms pounding in my head and in my heart
And on a morning in May, moonlight coaxed me out of bed
I padded down to computer

and wrote
about first times and first loves 
about last times and lasting love
and stuff that was running around crazy in my head, screaming to be let out.

In The Light Of Day

Later that morning I was on the fence about sharing it all because it was really awkward and cringe worthy and full of bad lines

But this blog is all about me writing fearlessly... sooooo

Not wanting to be a hypocrite, I dove in.

I did think about deleting it several times, throughout the day..

I’m glad I didn’t...


Last Firsts

I held off from looking at the comments for a while because I was nervous, ashamed

and a little afraid of being judged in my newfound Eden.

(Just like I was, over twenty five years prior with that first conversation after my first time, and how hard it was to look into my friends eyes without smiling my face off...)

I was so appreciative that every commentor was so kind and supportive with their words

Because:

I wanted to write more...

I wanted to write better, clearer...

I wanted to learn how

Most of  all...
that lust to create had finally been satisfied.

Then Came You

2009 was a year for me to step outside of my comfort zone and do more commenting and conversing with many bloggers that I admired. This really scared the crap out of me. I was perfectly happy just writing poetry for myself, happy in my own little bubble, not causing any trouble. Then a friend suggested that I start following and commenting regularly on more blogs to help me along with my writing. I put off doing this for a long time until I couldn't stand the nagging anymore. I remember being so intimidated to post a comment on some blogs for the first time…really!  I felt I was waaay out of my league. How dare I mingle with "the serious writers" And then when they responded back to me... Me?...You could have knocked my ass over with a feather!
You are all kind, real and an inspiration to me always.

I am blessed to have met a few of you “in real life” and I must admit it was a little awkward at first because here I am trying to act all cool, but on the inside I’m like a fifteen year old at a Jonas Brothers concert, “OMG, Wow! How awesome is this!”
Someday I am going to have my act together enough to converse like a grown-up :)

I truly apologize for being a freak show wrapped in a train wreck. 
Hopefully 2010 will afford me the opportunity to meet more of you, you truly inspire me, I hope I don't frighten you :)

“Keep Writing, Rene”

Those three words make my day.

You really don't know how much you keep me going, and I can't ever thank you enough for the kindness, the encouragement, the laughter, the editing of my bad punctuation and for slipping notes under my door that put a smile on my face for the whole day :)...you are, in a word, wonderful.

I am even grateful for that bloke who labeled my work "total shit"

Because instead of curling up in the fetal position, giving up and crying my eyes out as I polished off a bag of Ruffles ( as I would have a year ago) it really made me laugh to the point of silliness. That was a big change for me. A very positive and very significant change.

I still have his review taped to the front of my journal and it serves as a daily reality check.

"Not The Rockefellers, The View From The Cheap Seats - Total Shit"

And on some days, that's the God's honest truth...:)

Raising A Glass

Goodbye 2009

Where will 2010 take me?

Honestly, I’m still looking for answers

I'm still not so sure of the question
I am still a freak show wrapped in a train wreck.
I’m still waking up at 2AM

I'm still keeping an eye on the moon

I’m still wishing on stars
I'm still grateful for friends who keep me on course
and smiling :)

Now knowing

That I won’t always get what I want

But finding
If I try sometimes
I just may find

I'll  get what I need…

Ah, yeah.....

May 2010 find you chasing your dreams :)

Peace ~ Rene

All apologies for the long post...but hey, you’ve got a whole week to read it! I've broken it down to bite sized portions!  Even People Magazine is thick this time of year. So relax....it's all good.