The Fifty Cent Tour

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Returning Fear's Gift

So here I am standing at the edge of all things safe and familiar.
My heart is a John Bonham drum solo in my ears.
My toes are white knuckled and taking a bite out of the diving board.
I so desperately want to turn around and nestle into the warm bosom of all things safe and sound...but not as desperately as I want this.
I want to be closer to being fearless.
Fear and I go way back.
We have had quite a courtship over the years.
He lavishes me with all the unearned praise that I could ever want, while feeding me sugary sweet spoonfuls of good intentions.
As a result I have become lazy,weak and, worst of all, hypercritical of those who have the audacity to risk failure.
Ahh..but he loves me anyway.
Whenever I feel the urge to be daring he lures me into bed and into his warm, vanilla scented embrace.
I am such a lucky girl.
He has kept me so very safe and unbroken all these years.
So, so very thankful to be unbroken, unfulfilled, unknown, untested.
The time has now come to break it off, ungently.
I can no longer listen to his cautious love ballads.
I can no longer let his chocolate brown eyes hypnotize.
I will not be rendered weak kneed by his soul devouring kisses.
I do not need his broad shoulders to cry into anymore.
I do need to get on and get out of my own way and just let go.
I am sure, when I finally do take this leap, I will look freakish and ungraceful, but that can't stop me.
That won't stop me.
Ooh..It would be just like him to sneak into my life again and play on my insecurities.
I realize that he will still be calling me at 2:00 in the morning, whispering sweet failures in my ear.
But know this.
We can't be lovers anymore.
So here I go now, pushing off the edge of all things safe and familiar.
I am both euphoric and terrified.
But so very glad that I have finally, finally, allowed myself to take the leap.

Peace ~ Rene


  1. What a great first step, and believe me, there are a lot of us here that are glad you took it.

  2. Aww shucks, Grandpa! :) I'm just so glad people are reading my stuff. Really. This has been a blessing in my life.

    Peace - Rene

  3. I loved this! So beautiful. You have a gift.

  4. make my first post look weak and silly. Very deep. And I loved your comment on my blog..about my music. Very well put!

  5. That is one hell of a first post. Pretty bold and fearless if you ask me. I'm glad you took that first step. The question is, now that you have, can you imagine not?

  6. That is amazing. Strangely one of my first posts I wrote was about being fearless as well. You are a great writer - so glad you took the big leap. Keep being fearless!!!

  7. Being a called a great writer and being told that I have a gift well, that's just awesome...but inaccurate.

    Those would be pretty wonderful things to be in possession of and I am afraid I could never live up to that praise.

    As I said befoore I am just so happy people take the time to read my stuff.

    You all hang the moon! :)

    Peace - Rene

  8. Wooo

    thats a very powerful piece..

    Never thot of seeing fear that way. Its a good show of how we let fear eat deep into us...


  9. Afronut,

    Thanks for stopping by.

    I thought if I personified Fear he'd be pretty sensuous.

    Why else would I keep going back?

    Peace - Rene

  10. Surely "all" of us aren't inaccurate.

    Accept it. You're a gifted writer.

    Indeed you make Fear more sensuous than Death played by Brad Pitt!

  11. Pure poetry! You really do have a gift and that is accurate! You're also linked and welcome to the Spin Cycle! It's been a pleasure being introduced to your site this last week or so and now seeing where it all began? Bonus!

  12. Ok, too funny! Why were we all so afraid of that first post? Why isn't it just like the first page of a notebook? After all, if we want, we can obliterate it later?

    Very eloquent. Lovely, even. Glad to have visited!

  13. Just lovely. Whatta way to start a blog. :-)

  14. Wow! And that was your first blog? I hope you are writing professionally.
    Welcome to the Spin!
    I'm going to scavange through your other posts to get to know you more. Thanks!

  15. This one's back from before I met you -- what a great post!

  16. Rene, I'm glad you added this to the side bar. This first post is every bit as great as all that follows...Accept what we all agree have a gift ;) And I, for one, am thrilled you were brave enough to take this first dive!

  17. I'm personally very glad you began. You have a voice and a spirit all your own.

  18. I just discovered your blog through Magpie. This poem is great. I scanned it at first, not having much patience with poetry and then I had to go back and read the whole thing. I confess it was the third read where I finally understood you were writing about fear, not a man. Good job. P.S. It is interesting what you say in your profile about windows and doors since I have a recurring dream that includes both.??

  19. i love you, freakish and ungrateful one!
    so glad you jumped. thanks for sharing this one, rene.

  20. What a tour de force in this almost prose-poetry--so direct, yet so full of lyrical language almost off-handedly in between the starker stuff. really like it Rene, and really glad you pushed yourself off the diving board.

  21. OMG - a wicked good poem. I so love it, love the white knuckled toes and, especially, The Leap. Way to be! Write on and on and on!

  22. Felt great didn't it? I remember the day I sat staring at the computer frozen with indecision and fear, My adult son walked in and said, "Oh for crying out loud, just hit submit and drink your coffee." I have been submitting and smiling ever since. I enjoyed your Life of a Poet interview. Ireland awaits. Write on...

    P.S. Your writing is sublime.


Please drop a penny in a poet's hat :