Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Returning Fear's Gift
So here I am standing at the edge of all things safe and familiar.
My heart is a John Bonham drum solo in my ears.
My toes are white knuckled and taking a bite out of the diving board.
I so desperately want to turn around and nestle into the warm bosom of all things safe and sound...but not as desperately as I want this.
I want to be closer to being fearless.
Fear and I go way back.
We have had quite a courtship over the years.
He lavishes me with all the unearned praise that I could ever want, while feeding me sugary sweet spoonfuls of good intentions.
As a result I have become lazy,weak and, worst of all, hypercritical of those who have the audacity to risk failure.
Ahh..but he loves me anyway.
Whenever I feel the urge to be daring he lures me into bed and into his warm, vanilla scented embrace.
I am such a lucky girl.
He has kept me so very safe and unbroken all these years.
So, so very thankful to be unbroken, unfulfilled, unknown, untested.
The time has now come to break it off, ungently.
I can no longer listen to his cautious love ballads.
I can no longer let his chocolate brown eyes hypnotize.
I will not be rendered weak kneed by his soul devouring kisses.
I do not need his broad shoulders to cry into anymore.
I do need to get on and get out of my own way and just let go.
I am sure, when I finally do take this leap, I will look freakish and ungraceful, but that can't stop me.
That won't stop me.
Ooh..It would be just like him to sneak into my life again and play on my insecurities.
I realize that he will still be calling me at 2:00 in the morning, whispering sweet failures in my ear.
But know this.
We can't be lovers anymore.
So here I go now, pushing off the edge of all things safe and familiar.
I am both euphoric and terrified.
But so very glad that I have finally, finally, allowed myself to take the leap.
Peace ~ Rene